'Give Your Understanding And Then Try To Understand'

Understanding is necessary in any cross-cultural encounter.

Whether you are a Westerner living abroad or working in a multicultural setting, understanding is the key to a positive experience and success. I can't help but wonder what Turks think of foreigners. It is not unusual for my Turkish neighbors or staff to sometimes look at me, puzzled. After all, foreigners are seen as having their peculiar way of doing things, and all the while, Westerners think Turks do things differently.

I am sure my neighbors find some of my ways amusing. I like what Robert Brault wrote about friendship. “As a friend, you first give your understanding, then you try to understand." The past few days have been a time of spending leisurely hours with family and close friends. During the Ramadan feast holiday this past week one day when I came home from having been out most of the day, I immediately took my three cocker spaniels out for a walk in the park. When I returned home, two of my neighbors called out to me to get my attention in the corridor. They offered me some chocolate they'd been given as a gift. Although I am trying to cut back on eating chocolate, ice cream, etc., I took one and enjoyed it, not wanting to be impolite. Neither neighbor invited me in because they could see that my dogs were being rather persistent in poking me. My neighbors and my dogs know the routine in the evening -- my dogs were poking me for their dinner.

If you are an expat living in Turkey you may find that during the year you may have one of your neighbors knock on your door, at some time or another, and want to give you a serving of some halva (sweet sesame paste) or aşure (legume) dessert. You should accept this gift. Bear in mind that it will be given for one of two reasons. Halva will be offered to you when a loved one has passed away in memory of the deceased. Halva has been very much a part of Anatolian cuisine for centuries. According to the Ottoman customs and traditions, halva was to be handed out on every important event in life -- be it celebration or loss.

Maybe some of you have picked up on this tradition if you live in an apartment building where a tenant has died. Normally, the tradition is that seven days after the death, a group of friends and relatives will gather together and a religious ceremony will be held in the home of the deceased. Then, a religious ceremony in which the Quran is read in the home will be held 40 days later. In memory of the deceased, it is a tradition to distribute another type of sweet known as lokma (a sweet pastry) at the end of the ceremony. I believe this is what Brault meant when he said “As a friend, you first give your understanding, then you try to understand.” Just accept the plate and understand the practice later.

The other time you may be offered a plate at your door is when aşure is prepared and served to family and neighbors for the holiday of the same name. Ashura, which literally means "tenth" in Arabic, refers to the tenth day of Muharram, one of the months in the Islamic calendar. Muharram is a month of remembrance. It is well known because of historical significance and mourning for the martyrdom of Hussein ibn Ali, the grandson of Prophet Muhammad. Shiite Muslims begin mourning from the first night of Muharram and continue for 10 nights.

The Islamic calendar is lunar, so the Day of Ashura can vary depending on the observation of the moon. Ashura is also known as Noah's Pudding, and it is a sweet dessert cooked using all the grains and fruits that Noah was assumed to have taken into the ark. The ingredients can include water, wheat, chickpeas, rice, raisins, dried apricots, dried figs, apple, salt, sugar and honey. Grated orange and lemon peel, walnuts, hazelnuts, cinnamon and pomegranate seeds are also included as garnish. It is distributed to neighbors. Believe me, the dish is eaten with pleasure.

I feel there is some hope for humanity and peace by exercising understanding and sharing food as this offers people a way of reaffirming the essential relationship of one human to another, regardless of faith, race or color.

CHARLOTTE MCPHERSON (Cihan/Today's Zaman)