Turkish Honor And Dignity

A very important point I learned early on in my time in Turkey, which is still true today, is that of showing honor. In general, I have found that there is much heartache and hardship in the lives of many people living in Turkey and some subjects are taboo.

You may find as you spend time and build close friendships with Turks that there will be subjects one prefers not to discuss. They prefer for these things it to be either ignored or left unaddressed. We have an expression in English which is "the elephant in the room." When I used to teach English sometimes my Turkish students would get confused and mix up the expression and use “White elephant!” or “white elephant in the room.” The expression “the elephant in the room” implies there is a major problem that is impossible to overlook, but so sensitive that the person(s) prefer to live in denial of the problem and just make the best of life. I have found this to be true for personal and work-related issues and politically sensitive topics.

A Turkish proverb that illustrates how an outsider should respond in such a situation says it all: “Do not speak of rope in the house of a hanged man.” The general rule is, when unsure, say nothing. Westerners do not always realize that Turks may enjoy some of the same things, but some of their actions are still very Middle Eastern and Asian. Turks may feel that it is impolite to speak as directly as some foreigners do. Frankness and honesty are not always seen as positive attributes. In cases where they challenge a harmonious relationship, they are negative.

Harmony is more important than being open. If directness causes someone to lose face and makes them feel like their feelings are not valued, they may not forget or forgive. It is also possible that others may be affected, and will not forget or forgive. In Turkish culture it can be very hard to make up when you have wronged or offended someone. A person who feels insulted may hold a grudge for a lifetime.

You will find as you live and work in Turkey that Turks generally appear very confident. In order to save face, it is common not to admit a weakness, or a mistake, or something you do not know. Shifting blame is expected. Self-disclosure happens only with close friends.

Friendships are important. Close friendships involve great commitment, mutual concern and a lot of time. To establish a true friendship takes effort. It is important to visit regularly and to help in times of need. Friends never betray one another -- no matter what! Friendships are formed for many reasons, one of them being the expectation of mutual help. If a favor is done for someone, that person and usually their family will be obligated to remember it. Turkish people generally form friendships with others of the same sex, who are of a similar age and status. Usually, unequal economic or social status precludes deep friendship.

Westerners often do not realize that in Turkish society, if a man and woman are just friends, they will refer to each other in terms of kinship. For example, a woman would consider her husband's friend to be like her “kardeş,” (brother) and not her “dost” (friend), which would imply an improperly familiar or a possibly romantic relationship.

Dignity, not to be confused with honor but as important, should always be preserved. For example, a request for a substantial favor will be made indirectly or by a third party. Visitors who are used to more directness must learn not to give straight refusals or a frank “no.” Such a direct reply would cause the person who has made the request to lose face. It is best to give an answer that causes no embarrassment to either party. If rejecting the request, it is advisable to put the blame on an outside cause and avoid possible personal offense.
You may think of this, or of the use of a third party in making a request, as manipulative. Westerners who value frankness and directness could interpret polite and indirect answers as dishonesty. But you should understand that this is not so for your Turkish friend.

In my next piece, I will explore an area of honor which is of particular importance, and that is the honor related to the family, especially women and how wars and domestic abuse rob women of their honor and dignity.

CHARLOTTE MCPHERSON (Cihan/Today's Zaman)